Hold me like sand

Some days are not ideal in the timeline of our lives.

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been struggling to stay positive due to a mixture of internal and external factors. I have tried to combat these dark feelings through positive thought, medication, exercise, and seeking support from people who I thought could offer it.

Unfortunately, people can be unreliable and support is not always available. I have had one friend reach out to me and offer some support, and I am grateful for them. However, many others have ignored my pleas for help, or perhaps they have not seen them. I have felt like I’m drowning but no one else can see the water.

I have previously written about how we are not entitled to other people in life, and how each person in your life has made a conscious choice to be a part of it, but I will admit that feeling unwanted or shunned away is devastating.

My mind often drifts to lonely plains where the silence is so loud it’s deafening, and I struggle to sleep. I’m often jolted awake by unpleasant memories that have resurfaced. Sometimes the tiredness is so consuming that is reduces me to tears. I hope most nights that the salty droplets will ease my silence and bring slumber, but this rarely comes to fruition.

Some of you may see this as a complaining. You may argue that if I had an internal locus of control than I could control my emotions better, and I wouldn’t be feeling this way. To those of you who think this, I would like you to understand that complaining can often be a cry for help, please don’t dismiss it so callously.

Life is a mixture of external and internal things, parts can be controlled in a microclimate, but others are beyond your being. The external events that have befallen me are not ones I have sought out, but they have befallen me, and they have affected me.

I try to appreciate what I have. I am lucky to have a heartbeat and to have been given a chance at life, although not always ideal. I try to be sunny and happy in my demeanor, and mould my life with positive attributes and qualities, but some days in spite of this there are rain clouds in my sunshine.

I can be a roaring giant that brings warmth, but I can also be a faint flicker that is barely seen. My experiences have given me strength, but that strength has grown from the remnants of my battles, some of these battles are ongoing.

I implore you to be patient with one another and cherish those that come into your life, for they are on loan – hold them like they are sand even though they may slip through your fingertips.


If you’re experiencing similar thoughts or feelings to those expressed in this post, it’s okay to reach out for help. You can find information about what mental health crisis services are available, how they can help and their times of operation here: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/useful-contacts/


 

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