I haven’t written in a while. I could excuse this with the reasoning of a distracted mind or a busy schedule, but in all honesty the carnival has been in full force. My mind has been riding through a rollercoaster of emotions, that I’ve been trying my best to process.
I try my best not to react to negative happenings in my life, with the full blown consequences of my catastrophic thinking, but this is a rather difficult try.
Perhaps it’s the fear of being hurt further, or my attachment anxiety running on high, but as soon as something negative happens in my life, or something unexpected, I have the tendency to run and hide, trying my best to ignore it and to shut it out. Often pretending that everything is okay.
Whilst running away from this I usually anger someone, and recoil further because I feel like I’ve let that person down. I spiral. I often spiral, and push back against the negativity with my own negativity which just pushes me into a state of irrational being, and pushes those close to me further away. This isn’t always noticeably visible, but it’s there.
I often find myself in states of feeling like I’ve let someone down, which often feels, in that moment, like the worse thing in the universe.
In retrospect, it isn’t the worse thing in the universe, but try explaining that to anxious overthinking me …
I overthink everything.
I relay my life bloopers during the day and during the night. I have trouble sleeping, often due to the omnibus of shitty or embarrassing incidents of my life playing on a loop. It’s not a good thing, and I’m working at getting better at coping with these. To control it and cope in a healthier way.
During my attempt to do this, I’ve realised a few things:
- I will push some people away, but the worthy ones will stay.
- It will take time, but the prolonging of time is why we have patience.
- The process won’t always make sense in the moment, but that’s why we have retrospect.
- It’s okay to not have clue what you’re meant to be doing, most people don’t.
One day I will have a method to compliment my madness, until then I think I’ll be okay just trying to make sense of it all as best I can.
Some days I’ll find the words to write about it and on others I won’t. I’ll go off on nonsensical tangents (see this entire blog post), and on other days I’ll construct more thought out pieces of expressive emotion. Each one will be an expression of myself, and will hopefully make one less person feel less alone in this unpredictable world.
We’re all just trying to make sense of our surrounding, and find our place in it.
It will take time, but we will get there.