Finding my balance

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me, and offered their support. Your kind words and actions mean a lot to me and I appreciate them, and you.

When I’m struggling to cope with my depression I often forget that people genuinely care and love me. I convince myself that I am unlovable, unwanted, and unworthy of kindness from others. I focus on the love and the affection that is missing from my life, craving it so much it blinds me from the love and affection that surrounds me.

Depression is selfish in this way. It floods my mind with negative thoughts and convinces me I don’t know how to swim. It is often accompanied by anxiety, which can lead me to over analyse things, through a mindset of catastrophic thinking. I become afraid to tell anyone about the negative thoughts, out of fear of being judged or considered a burden. It convinces me that if I hate myself, then others must too.

This is however false; I am not a burden, and I am not widely hated or disliked. The support I have been shown over the past few weeks is evidence that I must be a half decent human being, if people are willing to lend a helping hand, and effectively fight to ensure that I stay in their lives, even on the bad days. I apologise for not recognising this sooner.

In the past I was afraid to speak openly and honestly about my mental health. I believed in the stigma that surrounds it, and I was scared that if people knew about the carnival inside my mind then they would disown me or use it to harm me in some way.

Some people have left my life when the topic of my mental health has come up, which is upsetting, but many people have also stayed.

Mental illness can be a difficult thing to cope with, especially when it is seemingly destroying someone you care about. When those some have left, I find myself wondering in moments following their departure how or why they have left, especially if they claimed to care about me. In hindsight, I can find reasoning in their decision. There is sadness for things lost but there is also appreciation and happiness for the things found.

In learning to control the carnival in my mind, I need to identify the good things in life, instead of dwelling on the negative and allowing myself to be blinded by it. In order to aid this need, I have started to keep a daily log which notes three things I have accomplished or enjoyed in my day.

I can’t change my past, and although there are things in it that I regret, I can learn to accept it as part of my history, and use it to shape a better future.


If you’re experiencing similar thoughts or feelings to those expressed in this post, it’s okay to reach out for help. You can find information about what mental health crisis services are available, how they can help and their times of operation here: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/useful-contacts/ 


 

Rumpelstiltskin

Last week I found myself at the edge point of a depressive episode.

I had received a message two weeks prior from my estranged father, who I hadn’t heard from in seven years. Instead of dealing with it rationally, I tried to drink it into submission, and bury it inside of me. This resulted in a bubbling of emotions, which eventually erupted in a cortisol fueled break in my stability. In summary: I cracked.

I rapidly spun into a depressive state, marred by the feelings of despair, loneliness, anxiety, and suicidal ideation. My previous post ‘Hold me like sand’ was written whilst in this state, it was a ‘cry for help’. I had fallen into a well of negative emotion, bought on by suppressing an unexpected occurrence, that had dragged up an armoury of feelings all targeted at my wellbeing.

I didn’t want this to occur but it was happening anyway. It was a cataclysm of external factors which didn’t fit neatly into my preexisting microclimates of things I knew how to cope with. I was out of my comfort zone.

I tried to ignore it but it was still there, and it was causing a rift of cognitive dissonance in my mind – I hadn’t spoken to my father in seven years, his neglect and failure to nurture me as a child caused me to show a great disdain towards him; when asked about him and I’d often respond with the rhetoric that ‘I don’t need him’ and ‘I’m better off without him in my life.’

However, this occurrence drudged up two questions from my childhood ‘why don’t they love me?’ and ‘why wasn’t I good enough?’

These questions are harboured in the foundations of who I am as a person, and are the likely causation of my attachment anxiety, which particularly manifest with romantic partners (something I hadn’t realised until a few days ago).

In the past I have reacted irrationally to the breakdown of a relationship, using targeted words and actions to cause the maximum amount of damage; because ‘I don’t need him’ and ‘I’m better off without him in my life.’ I feel rejected by that person so my brain uses its learned behaviour from my formative years in an attempt to protect itself.

I had thought if I continued to achieve in other areas of my life, than these questions would simply dissipate and cease to exist.

However, ignoring a problem doesn’t make it go away, identifying it as a problem and tackling it does – a bit like Rumpelstiltskin, if you can identify something you can solve it.


If you’re experiencing similar thoughts or feelings to those expressed in this post, it’s okay to reach out for help. You can find information about what mental health crisis services are available, how they can help and their times of operation here: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/useful-contacts/ 


 

Hold me like sand

Some days are not ideal in the timeline of our lives.

For the last couple of weeks I’ve been struggling to stay positive due to a mixture of internal and external factors. I have tried to combat these dark feelings through positive thought, medication, exercise, and seeking support from people who I thought could offer it.

Unfortunately, people can be unreliable and support is not always available. I have had one friend reach out to me and offer some support, and I am grateful for them. However, many others have ignored my pleas for help, or perhaps they have not seen them. I have felt like I’m drowning but no one else can see the water.

I have previously written about how we are not entitled to other people in life, and how each person in your life has made a conscious choice to be a part of it, but I will admit that feeling unwanted or shunned away is devastating.

My mind often drifts to lonely plains where the silence is so loud it’s deafening, and I struggle to sleep. I’m often jolted awake by unpleasant memories that have resurfaced. Sometimes the tiredness is so consuming that is reduces me to tears. I hope most nights that the salty droplets will ease my silence and bring slumber, but this rarely comes to fruition.

Some of you may see this as a complaining. You may argue that if I had an internal locus of control than I could control my emotions better, and I wouldn’t be feeling this way. To those of you who think this, I would like you to understand that complaining can often be a cry for help, please don’t dismiss it so callously.

Life is a mixture of external and internal things, parts can be controlled in a microclimate, but others are beyond your being. The external events that have befallen me are not ones I have sought out, but they have befallen me, and they have affected me.

I try to appreciate what I have. I am lucky to have a heartbeat and to have been given a chance at life, although not always ideal. I try to be sunny and happy in my demeanor, and mould my life with positive attributes and qualities, but some days in spite of this there are rain clouds in my sunshine.

I can be a roaring giant that brings warmth, but I can also be a faint flicker that is barely seen. My experiences have given me strength, but that strength has grown from the remnants of my battles, some of these battles are ongoing.

I implore you to be patient with one another and cherish those that come into your life, for they are on loan – hold them like they are sand even though they may slip through your fingertips.


If you’re experiencing similar thoughts or feelings to those expressed in this post, it’s okay to reach out for help. You can find information about what mental health crisis services are available, how they can help and their times of operation here: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/useful-contacts/


 

I am …

On the wardrobe to the left of my bed I have a blu tacked sign that reads: 

‘I am strong,
I am smart,
I am kind,
I am beautiful,
I am worthy’

I wrote this sign in September 2017. It is slightly crumpled with a distinct fold down the centre, and is decorated with a felt tipped drawings – a lightning bolt, a heart, a butterfly and a flower.

I read it every morning when I wake, and every night before I fall asleep. By reciting these words I remember to never underestimate myself.

My strength has made me smart, my kindness has made me beautiful, and all four looped together have made me worthy. These attributes make me worthy of living; of safety; of love; of confidence and respect – resulting in the self-actualisation to love myself and be the best I can be.

The realisation and understanding of what it means to be worthy has helped me to find calm in the chaos. I have come to realise that the worth that I am entitled to is that of my own, and not dependent on the thoughts and feelings of others. I am the measure of my own value.

No one is entitled to anyone else. We are merely granted the privilege of intimacy, both platonic and romantic, through choice. The realisation that the relationships and bonds you have with others is decided by choice, is a humbling one. It not only teaches that you dictate your journey in life, but also that you are important and you matter. Each friendship, each partner, each loved one, is someone that chose you. You are not entitled to them but they have deemed you worthy simply because you are.

Even those relationships deemed ‘unconditional’ by societal standards hold some sort of condition. This is usually dictated by whether an individual is deemed trustworthy and loyal enough to be worthy of this level of intimacy. Although, it can often be clouded by the feeling of obligation and or fear, which can stem from internal insecurities, resulting in self worth being hidden.

You are not obligated to give yourself to anyone you do not deem worthy, the intimacy you grant is your choice – and vice versa.

Coming to this realisation and understanding has allowed me to love myself and appreciate the person that I am, as well as all those who I have the privilege to know and love.

I will continue to recite the words on that blu tacked sign. I will continue to be, because I am.

My motivation

I started my fitness journey in August 2017, after already ‘slimming down’ by 13.2 kg since December 2015.

My motivation was not the desire to lose weight, but instead a means of coping with my first experience of grief.

The summer 2017 will be always be a summer filled with tragedy, and a summer I will always remember. At the time I was working in news; where my job was to watch, listen and edit incoming and outgoing video/audio content – which was often unfiltered and graphic in nature.

I loved my job, but soon the constant barrage of material from each tragedy began to chip away at my mind, chunks of my sanity were breaking away and I was becoming increasingly more depressed.

Prior to the summer I has experienced multiple points of sadness and pain, spanning from 2016 to the early part of 2017, but they were staggered and sporadic, which made them manageable. I would hurt but I would heal.

However, that summer was not like that – there was no time to heal. Each tragedy hit me harder than the last, until the one which broke me. I can’t bring myself to type the name, but most of you will know it. Its memory is slow and vivid, and it resulted in the abrupt death of someone I cared for, and I knew.

It was a raw pain, that was unfamiliar. Manifesting in fits of hysteria, uncontrollable sobbing and screaming, along with suicidal thoughts. I needed help.

I didn’t know how to cope, and I didn’t know how to grieve.

I tried my best to bury it and to pretend I was okay but I was falling apart. I didn’t want to lean on anyone else, because I thought it would burden them.

Eventually the cracks in my mind started to show, and I was lucky enough that people started to notice as well. I’ve now realised that it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to need people, and I am thankful that I have an amazing support network of friends and family who helped me.

I was able to get help.

In July 2017, I was referred to an occupational doctor after what can best be describe as an emotional breakdown. That referral most likely saved my life, the doctor provided me with the means to grieve, along with suggested mechanisms to cope.

One of these mechanisms was to join a gym.


If you’re experiencing similar thoughts or feelings to those expressed in this post, it’s okay to reach out for help. You can find information about what mental health crisis services are available, how they can help and their times of operation here: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/useful-contacts/ 


 

 

 

Introduction

I’m never quite sure how to introduce myself, the advice given usually compiles of two factors – be yourself and tell them about a fun hobby/interest you have. My reaction, contrary to that advice, is also one of two things – clam up entirely and forget how to use words to communicate or ramble on a tangent about nonsensical things whilst nervously laughing.

To avoid my usual anxiety that comes with introductions, I’m going to take a different approach and tell you about the past couple of weeks of my life instead.

Two weeks ago, following a nostalgic night of celebration and well wishes at a friend’s leaving drinks, I decided to start a ‘health kick’. This ‘health kick’ consists of reducing my intake of simple carbohydrates, my intake of alcohol, and also attending the gym 4-5 times a week. The reason behind it, is my desire to be my best self; both physically and mentally stronger than the person I am, and used to be.

The past few years have been difficult for me to say the least, a roller-coaster of emotions triggered by a series of unforeseen events. During that time my mind became entrenched in my depression, and I struggled to see hope.

Depression is not a new feeling for me, and has been in the shadow of my existence as long as I can remember. I’ve taken antidepressants for four years and tried various psychotherapies, following my diagnosis of a tri-factor of mental illnesses; PTSD, major depression and severe anxiety. These have helped me to regain part of my life, but I realised there were still many parts missing, which were attainable if I were healthier.

After only a couple of weeks I have noticed that my mood is elevated, I look healthier, I have more energy, and I feel in control of my life. I feel stronger.

Not each day has been fantastic, but they are better than before. I still had stressful moments, especially during ‘snowmageddon’, and rush hour commuting at underarm height – where my head is often mistaken for an armrest, and other commuters wonder why I can’t contort myself into a thimble to save space. And also being taken off guard by the negative reaction of some friends, when I told them I couldn’t come out during the middle of the week because I had spin class, or that I wasn’t drinking on a night out.

These moments, despite not being positive in nature, served as reiteration of why I was making this change. I’m doing this for me, to be my best self.


If you’re experiencing similar thoughts or feelings to those expressed in this post, it’s okay to reach out for help. You can find information about what mental health crisis services are available, how they can help and their times of operation here: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/useful-contacts/