Time to stop running from reality

For the past three years I’ve been running from reality, ironically since I started to gain a better understanding of my mental health, and the life experiences and events which contributed to the alteration of my mind, I also began losing a grip on many parts of myself.

The facade built by denial was breaking apart and the intricacy of my mental mechanics was being revealed. Coming face to face with my flaws was never going to be easy, humans rarely likely to be proven wrong. For me using the excuses of my upbringing and mental illnesses was an all too easy scapegoat, a denial to my reality and the fears it was revealing, yes I was working at becoming better and still am, but I was also throwing caution to the wind in the name of acceptance, even though this led me down the path of destructive and dangerous behaviour.

I’ve been living in a prolonged period of turbulence over the last three years, a constant pattern of altercations which have made me tackle numerous obstacles that I was not prepared for; political discourse; the loss of love; the death of a friend; the terminal illness of parent; and the overwhelming sense of fear and hopelessness that accompanied them, all collapsing in on my existence like dominos. The tethered moments as I broke along side my fracturing world.

Although I have admitted to these moments, it doesn’t mean that I have fully accepted their existence. I hate these moments, even though they are the source of much of my strength, they have also warped my soul, leading me to run from them, but I’m tired of running.

Over the past three years I have not been the most sensible, responsible or logical person, as I desperately try to cling to any sense of certainty to solidify my identity and break away from scars of my past and the echoes in my present, using them when I lose grip of that inkling of certainty to behave irrationally and frankly like a bit of an arsehole, the excuse being that if the world is turbulent why can’t I be?

This is not a good enough excuse, mental illness and past cruelties are not a green light for bad behaviour, for dangerous behaviour, or for destruction behaviour, they are instead cautionary tales to be sensible, responsible and kind. If you know the world to be unkind give kindness to it, not unconditionally at the cost of ones self but in the moments where you can.

Remove toxicity from your life but be careful to not let it tarnish your soul, take pride in who you are but do not do it at the cost of belittling others, realise that you will not get everything you want in life but if you keep hope in your heart you will eventually get what you need. Life is unfair and unpredictable, but that doesn’t mean it can not be understood, it just may take some time.

I myself regained my equilibrium this weekend just past, I learned that it is not a place or a time or a moment, but instead something that resides within me, it is my core and my centre and it is with me always. External factors will influence my life, I will occasionally have no control over these and the consequences they bring, I will be affected by them emotionally and tested mentally but it doesn’t mean that they will hold control over me and my life forever. I may have no clue what tomorrow will bring, but if I have to meet with oblivion I will do it with my eyes wide open and standing a full 154cm tall, shoulders back, head high and brave.

Brave enough to be kind in a world that’s gone to shit, to overcome some of the most devastating obstacles without polluting my soul, brave enough to be me – not unapologetically but with enough grace to admit when I am wrong, when I need help, that I have a soft heart, and I need to do better and be better. No more excuses or running from reality, it’s time to face this.

It’s been a while

I haven’t written in a while. I could excuse this with the reasoning of a distracted mind or a busy schedule, but in all honesty the carnival has been in full force. My mind has been riding through a rollercoaster of emotions, that I’ve been trying my best to process.

I try my best not to react to negative happenings in my life, with the full blown consequences of my catastrophic thinking, but this is a rather difficult try.

Perhaps it’s the fear of being hurt further, or my attachment anxiety running on high, but as soon as something negative happens in my life, or something unexpected, I have the tendency to run and hide, trying my best to ignore it and to shut it out. Often pretending that everything is okay.

Whilst running away from this I usually anger someone, and recoil further because I feel like I’ve let that person down. I spiral. I often spiral, and push back against the negativity with my own negativity which just pushes me into a state of irrational being, and pushes those close to me further away. This isn’t always noticeably visible, but it’s there.

I often find myself in states of feeling like I’ve let someone down, which often feels, in that moment, like the worse thing in the universe.

In retrospect, it isn’t the worse thing in the universe, but try explaining that to anxious overthinking me …

I overthink everything.

I relay my life bloopers during the day and during the night. I have trouble sleeping, often due to the omnibus of shitty or embarrassing incidents of my life playing on a loop. It’s not a good thing, and I’m working at getting better at coping with these. To control it and cope in a healthier way.

During my attempt to do this, I’ve realised a few things:

  • I will push some people away, but the worthy ones will stay.
  • It will take time, but the prolonging of time is why we have patience.
  • The process won’t always make sense in the moment, but that’s why we have retrospect.
  • It’s okay to not have clue what you’re meant to be doing, most people don’t.

One day I will have a method to compliment my madness, until then I think I’ll be okay just trying to make sense of it all as best I can.

Some days I’ll find the words to write about it and on others I won’t. I’ll go off on nonsensical tangents (see this entire blog post), and on other days I’ll construct more thought out pieces of expressive emotion. Each one will be an expression of myself, and will hopefully make one less person feel less alone in this unpredictable world.

We’re all just trying to make sense of our surrounding, and find our place in it.

It will take time, but we will get there.

Finding my balance

Thank you to everyone who has reached out to me, and offered their support. Your kind words and actions mean a lot to me and I appreciate them, and you.

When I’m struggling to cope with my depression I often forget that people genuinely care and love me. I convince myself that I am unlovable, unwanted, and unworthy of kindness from others. I focus on the love and the affection that is missing from my life, craving it so much it blinds me from the love and affection that surrounds me.

Depression is selfish in this way. It floods my mind with negative thoughts and convinces me I don’t know how to swim. It is often accompanied by anxiety, which can lead me to over analyse things, through a mindset of catastrophic thinking. I become afraid to tell anyone about the negative thoughts, out of fear of being judged or considered a burden. It convinces me that if I hate myself, then others must too.

This is however false; I am not a burden, and I am not widely hated or disliked. The support I have been shown over the past few weeks is evidence that I must be a half decent human being, if people are willing to lend a helping hand, and effectively fight to ensure that I stay in their lives, even on the bad days. I apologise for not recognising this sooner.

In the past I was afraid to speak openly and honestly about my mental health. I believed in the stigma that surrounds it, and I was scared that if people knew about the carnival inside my mind then they would disown me or use it to harm me in some way.

Some people have left my life when the topic of my mental health has come up, which is upsetting, but many people have also stayed.

Mental illness can be a difficult thing to cope with, especially when it is seemingly destroying someone you care about. When those some have left, I find myself wondering in moments following their departure how or why they have left, especially if they claimed to care about me. In hindsight, I can find reasoning in their decision. There is sadness for things lost but there is also appreciation and happiness for the things found.

In learning to control the carnival in my mind, I need to identify the good things in life, instead of dwelling on the negative and allowing myself to be blinded by it. In order to aid this need, I have started to keep a daily log which notes three things I have accomplished or enjoyed in my day.

I can’t change my past, and although there are things in it that I regret, I can learn to accept it as part of my history, and use it to shape a better future.


If you’re experiencing similar thoughts or feelings to those expressed in this post, it’s okay to reach out for help. You can find information about what mental health crisis services are available, how they can help and their times of operation here: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/useful-contacts/