I was hesitant about posting this entry, in part due to a critique I received towards my blog that made me feel like a bashful, and somewhat ashamed, 19 year old again. Especially as it came from someone I was romantically involved with, and this comment made me feel unsupported by someone who was meant to be a partner. We parted ways a month or so after that comment was made, and I harbour no ill feeling for them, but the words still stung.
That’s the thing about words, they have the power to ignite and invoke a plethora of emotions and reactions, they can make you feel regal in all avenues that the word connotes, or they can empty your heart and leave you feeling like an echo of your former self.
For me words make up my armour against the world especially when things get tough. For me words, and writing this blog, is therapy for my soul, and the best weapon I’ve found to battle the twisted carnival of mental illness that occupies my mind. As many of you know, I have battled with the black dog of depression for nearly half of my life, coupled with anxiety and PTSD, this has bought me some devastating low points in my life, which I try desperately to fight against in what seems like an neverending battle of resistance. I guess I’m lucky I’m stubborn in that respect.
However, this being said since starting this blog; which aims to not only shed light on life with mental illness, breakdown taboos around the subject, and also resonate the message to all that read it that you are not alone and you are wanted in this world. I have also made leaps and bounds in terms of personal growth. This has come about in numerous ways, but most notably through moving to Belgium in October 2018, and reconnecting with my previously estranged family, which has allowed me, after years of blinding darkness, to see the light in life – because even a small candle flicker, which may seem fading, breaks the darkness. As long as there is an inkling of hope in your heart you can overcome the adversity of life.
One of the biggest reconnections I made, was in December (2019), where I made the supported decision to see my father for the first time in ten years. I have previously written on this blog, about how my relationship with both my parents and the sense of abandonment they left me with for most of my adolescence and adult life, which has caused genuine negative repercussions born out of fear, rejections, and absence of love that has weighed heavily in my head and my heart.
I won’t air out the details of the reunion with my father, as some things are best kept private, but I can honestly say that my heart and mind are calmer now. Even on the blue days, which I experienced for the first time in months over the weekend just passed, the hues weren’t as deep and inky anymore. These hues instead faded like a watercolour, as hope and light diluted it. As although sadness occupied my mind, I was able to see past it and regain my newfound grounding in this world.
The road ahead will not be easy, it will be long and winding, full of ups and downs, happiness and sadness, but as long as I, and you, keep hope in our heart it will be worth the journey in the end.
Things will get better.
If you’re experiencing difficult thoughts or feelings, it’s okay to reach out for help. You can find information about what mental health crisis services are available, how they can help and their times of operation here: https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/crisis-services/useful-contacts/